Bitches in Diapers

There is only one show in existence where every episode ends in me screaming “BITCH!” or “WHORE!” at the television. I can’t help it–it’s the standard reaction to girls on reality television. I don’t care if they are only 5 years old.

Title: Toddlers and Tiaras
Format: 1-hour television show
Category: Reality–Competition
Premise: Each episode follows the journeys of 3 contestants, ranging from ages 2-9, as they compete for titles in the featured beauty pagent.
Original Broadcast Channel: TLC
Off the Wire Location: Netflix (Season 1, Episodes 1-9)

 

 

 

 

First, a disclaimer: I am, myself, a girl. So you can all be less creeped out now.

Basically, my entire feeling about this show can be summed up in one picture/tagline:

LOOK AT THAT! I MEAN, JUST LOOK! That is a REAL kid and she is REALLY, like, 4 YEARS OLD! It’s soooo WEIRD….in fact, it’s too WEIRD. It’s too weird to NOT look at. It’s at critical mass of weirdness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s kind of amazing that this show ever made it on the air. And yet here we are. Maybe enough time has passed since the Jon-Benet scandal? Maybe people have bigger problems than worrying about what moms with way too much free time and (inexplicably) money chose to subject their children to? Either way, this show has a particular appeal (what I like to call the “trainwreck factor”) that is extremely hard to tear yourself away from, even as more and more henious crimes against nature are committed (supplemental hair, fake nails, spray tans, baby dentures–I could go on). I promise you, you start watching this show and you won’t stop.

Even though you will really, REALLY want to.

The one redeeming factor this show has, besides the pretty dresses (yes, in addition to calling infants bad names this show also makes me want to don extremely gaudy, poofy glam-wear) is the rare parent who breaks the expectations. In a show like this, which is packed with overbearing, rich-and-bored women using their kids to live out their own unfulfilled dreams (obvious to everyone except themselves), there is nothing more adorable than a mom or dad who genuinely believes their child is beautiful, who doesn’t pin her worth to a crown or sash, and who can tell their kid how proud they are, regardless of whether she sang an aria or fell on her face. It almost makes you believe that, Barbie-doll trousseau aside, the kid is sweet and happy, her parents are supportive, and they are just your average, loving family.

Then the girl starts screaming at her mother about wanting more Red Bull, Mom is giving her the “I’m gonna count to 3” speech while trying to shove the writhing mass of arms and legs that is her daughter into a $2000 pile of taffeta and sequins, and Dad is slumped in the corner of their hotel room, his fingertips pressed to his temples, wishing he was fishing, watching NASCAR, or shooting something instead.

Now that sounds like an all-American childhood to me.

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About spark

In August 2011, after an entire lifetime of indiscriminate viewing, I had to cancel my DVR cable with the HD channels due to financial difficulties. Let's see what happens now.

Posted on September 7, 2011, in Netflix, TV. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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